Friday, July 1, 2011
The Ten Worst Movie Titles Ever
They say you shouldn't judge a book by its cover, but I've never heard wrong with judging it by the title. A stupid title will turn off so many people, and sink your film before it ever sets sail.
For example, here I have The Midnight Meat Train, which is a great, serious horror movie directed by Ryuhei Kitamure (Versus, Metal Gear Solid cutscenes), based on the amazing short story by Clive Barker (Hellraiser), and starring a pre-Hangover Bradley Cooper and a psycho Vinnie Jones. You should all go see it, however, you could not have seen it in theaters because they could not release a movie called The Midnight Meat Train to a wide audience.
While that was a good movie, here's ten (mostly) not-so-great films with even stupider titles. I can't believe studios would ever ok some of these dumb names. I'm not including any intentional dumb titles (ie The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living And Became Mixed-Up Zombies), nor am I including any indy or guerilla or just plain horrible films (Manos: Hands of Fate). All of these were green-lit by a major studio without anyone thinking the title was idiotic.
10. Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo
This is the granddaddy of all stupid stupid titles. Nobody here has ever seen this, but everyone knows the title. It will forever live in infamy.
9. Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter
Word of advice, never put Final in your title. It won't be the last one. Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter, also known as Friday the 13th 4, was released in 1984. Friday the 13th 5 came out in 1985. Part 6 dropped in 1986. Then there was a break, until 1988 when Friday the 13th 7 came out. Now we are on either Part 11 or Part 12 depending on who you ask. Got that? There are so many Friday the 13th films that people have lost count.
8. Rambo III
This would be a perfectly fine title, assuming there was a Rambo I and II. There is no Rambo II, and while there is just a Rambo, it didn't come out until 20 years after Rambo III. See, the series goes like this: First Blood, then Rambo: First Blood Part Two, then Rambo III, then Rambo. Somebody really screwed up the numbering in this series.
See, it is a movie about Snakes. It's a pretty good one too, just have fun Goggling it. But the real fun must have been working the box-office when people bought tickets to this. This just barely defeats the caveman flick Eegah! as far as bad onomatopoeias go.
6. The Dragonball Z movies
Japan seems to have a habit with going overboard on their movie titles, and none better display that than the Dragon Ball Z films. They got more reasonable titles in English, but nothing compares to the original translations. The one pictured is "Dragon Ball Z The Movie No. 13: Dragon Fist Explosion!! If Gokū Can't Do It, Who Will." That's not a title, that's a thesis statement. I also feel like pointing out, all the punctuation is "correct" there. Some of the other classics include: "Dragon Ball Z: The Dangerous Duo! Super-Warriors Never Rest", "Dragon Ball Z: Clash!! The Power of 10 Billion Warriors", and of course "Dragon Ball Z: Milky Way at the Brink!! The Super Incredible Guy".
5. ...Can Hieronymus Merkin Ever Forget Mercy Humppe and Find True Happiness?
I don't even know where to begin.
4. Any movie with a number replacing a letter
It does not look good at all. Even at the height of the Extreme 90s!!!!! Era, people would have laughed at it. Yet they still do it. Look at Scre4m, Thir13ten Ghosts, Lucky Number S7even, Driv3r. Do any of those look appealing at all to you? Even good movies like Se7en and L4yer Cak3 are brought down by it (The 7 is a V? And why is the second E a 3 but not the first one?). The video game F.3A.R. stepped the stupidity up a notch by overwriting an acronym. The only one that gets a pass is the TV show Numb3rs, since it is about finding numbers in evidence and facts. But that show has other problems going on with it.
3. Precious: Based On The Novel Push By Sapphire
Tons of movies are based on books, and it is not uncommon to see them mention the book title or author on the movie poster. But Precious really wanted people to know the source material, so they made it the title. Now, any normal person would drop all the extra crap. But the Oscars aren't ran by normal people. Every time this was up for anything, they read off the entire title, adding about 20 minutes to the show time. Why not do this with every movie? Hey guys, ever see The Social Network: Based On The Novel The Accidental Billionaires By Ben Mezrich? Actually, is Sapphire even the author? Maybe the novel is called "Push By Sapphire". So I went and looked it up, and Sapphire is the author. But that is also her only book , and it came out way back in 1996. Why are they advertising it anyway?
2. 2 Fast 2 Furious
Hey, at least they kept the numbers out of the actual words. Ever since day one, this has been a walking joke. There is just no way they ever intended this to be serious. Of course, part 3 was called The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift, dropping all numbers. Then part 4 went back to basics being called, Fast and Furious. Now, I completely understand what they were thinking and why they did that. After two bad movies, they finally got Vin Diesel back. They wanted to drop the silliness, and reboot the series. Just forget the first 3 movies even exist. Then they could start over and make a new series which ...part 5 was called Fast Five. I have no idea what they were thinking.
1. Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones
Is this Star Wars or Mystery Science Theater 3000? The prequels were all so bad, it even spilled into the titles. The Phantom Menace was nothing memorable, but it got the job done at least. Revenge of the Sith is a throwback to the fake Revenge of the Jedi title Lucas used to fake out bootleggers, so that is a classy thing to build on. But Attack of the Clones? Are they serious?
First off, Clones were the worst thing to happen to the prequels. In the original Star Wars, the Clone Wars were mention just in passing, but the prequels completely revolved around them. Now we have genetically grown clones fighting mechanical droids. Is this war even affecting anyone? Also, if every stormtropper is a clone of Boba Fett, why does the Empire hire Boba Fett? Second, the Clones were good guys here and don't really attack anything. They just show up for the last five minutes of the movie. Might as well call this Star Wars Episode II: Intergalactic Gladiators. That is a much more important scene in the movie. Finally, Attack of the Clones? If any of the original Star Wars had a title like Attack of the Robots, there wouldn't have been a fanbase to even release the prequels to.
So a Top Ten List inside a Top Ten List? You better believe it. The Top Ten Titles Better Than Attack of the Clones.
10. Star Wars Episode II: Electric Boogaloo
9. Star Wars Episode II: The Adventures of Lil' Boba Fett
8. Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Green Screens
7. Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the 50 Foot Clone
6. Star Wars Episode II: ...Like Sand
5. 2tar war2: Naboo Drift
4. Brett Ratner's Star Wars: A Brett Ratner Film
3. Star Wars Episode II: The Passion of the Force
2. Star Wars Episode II: The Random Appearance of Christopher Lee
1.Star Wars Episode II: The Quest For More Money